It's a horrible 4 letter word. I hate hearing it and yet here I am about to start yet another DIET! This time I am going to make this one more of a life change than a diet. I have a little extra motivation. I'm competing in the PbRc Biggest Looser challenge. After all what better motivation than a little money, right?!
Let's back up a little. I have pretty much been on diets all of my adult life. When I was younger I was always a little on the chunky side or at least I felt like I was. Looking back now at pictures I realize that I really wasn't that big. I just let others convince me that I was. I wasn't the stick thin preppy girl or the rail thin popular crowd type. I was just me. The girl who had a few friends, but, mostly stayed to herself. I was active in school for the most part. I was in color guard for the first 3 years of High School. This kept me at a reasonable weight. Looking back now I see it as reasonable, but at the time I thought otherwise. I was "big Boned" as my Dad would tell me. Beautiful on the inside my mom would say. Yet, I believed the cruel kids that made fun of me or didn't let me be a part of "Their Crowd". The numbers on the scale were not that forgiving, because truth be told my Dad was right. I was big boned. I had a frame that was bigger than most females, but try telling this to a 15year old girl.
In my early 20's I still felt overweight, in my had I was twice the size of every other girl out there. People would say oh you look good, but to me I was a tubby mess. There are not too many pictures of me from those days because I would not let anyone take my picture. The other day though I found one and when I looked at it, I didn't realize at first it was me. It couldn't be me. I was never that thin...or was I?
After having children though the weight seemed to just pile on. Partly from not loosing "the baby weight" as it is so often referred to, but mostly because I had a bad self image. Partly because I was in a relationship where I let someone tell me I wasn't good enough. It was a verbally and physically abusive relationship that convinced me that I was worthless, and I would never be wanted or excepted by anyone else but him. My spirit and self esteem had been beaten so low that I actually believed all of this. Why even bother to try, it's just a waste of time. Eventually I broke free of him, but the damage to my self esteem was almost permanent. I spent many years trying to loose weight only to just give up the moment it got tough. Convinced that I would never be able to do it, and I wasn't worth the effort anyways. I yo yo dieted with just about every diet out there. Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, slim fast, Adkins, low carb, no cab, the grapefruit diet, protein diets, shake diets, fruit diets. You name it, I probably tried it. Problem wasn't the diet, it was me. I would give up on everything because I had really given up on myself. I had no motivation The numbers on the scale wouldn't move fast enough and I felt I wasn't worth the effort anyways.
Then along came CANCER! I pretty much gave up at that point.Why would the God that I so believed in let me be such a failure. Why would he let me have to face such a difficult fight. What was there worth living for? One day when I was at the lowest point, God hit me with the answer. It was right there all along. Mike, Dawn-Marie & Tyler. My greatest accomplishment in life The three beautiful children that God allowed me to bring into this world. THEY were worth it. They were worth fighting for.
I'd like to say at this point everything got better and life was all Sunshine and roses, but the reality is that it wasn't. What changed though was me. I changed just enough to fight against cancer, and win. I'll save all the details of that story, as you can always go back an read about how running saved my life at this point. Just go back to my first post and read from there. This tale is about what had not changed yet. My weight.
So, what is different this time, why do I suddenly think I can do this? Truth is, nothing. I don't know if I can do this. I may just fall flat on my face like all the times before. This time is different because I know that I can push myself to do anything I set my mind to. How do I know this, because I set out on a journey in January 2012 to complete my first 1/2 Marathon at the Disney Marathon Weekend. and I DID IT!.. Not only did I do that one, but I went on to prove to myself that I could continue to stay focused on something and completed 2 more 1/2 Marathons a 10 Miler, a 5 miler a 10K and 7 5k's in one year. This person that never finishes anything she did all this.
So now, I will head out on a journey to lose weight. With the support of my family. The support of my friends. The support of my PbRc (Pacebook Running Club) friends and my fellow runners who also know what it is to commit to something and to push yourself past your comfort zone. Most of all, with the support of myself. I know that I am worth the effort. I know that I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to.
That is why I Run4Life!!!!
Till next time..Run for you, run for fun, Run4life!
Angi
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